Running stats: 6/3/2022

I went out today at noon, which is not the move because it is June in Atlanta. Nevertheless, I wanted to burn off my nervous energy about my upcoming trip. My therapist calls this green light coping choices. Well, she doesn’t but I heard that from some other person’s therapy session and I pushed her to use it. But enough about my control issues. Before I left, my body said, “you need a snack.” But my brain said, “nah, brah. You‘re good.”

Lesson: feed the machine. I ran six minutes with four minutes recovery. Despite my best efforts to pace myself, my final running interval was more walking than running. It was sunny and gorgeous and I was passed by a woman who looks like CoverGirl Nikki Taylor. The magnolias smelled amazing and other less active individuals were lounging poolside

Lucky me, on my turn home, I ran into my hubs who was grabbing milk at the store. I got a carriage ride the rest of the way home in some sweet, sweet air conditioning

What does a relaunch look like?

What are we dealing with here, really?

I am a quasi-fit, plus-sized woman who is looking for a creative way to stay motivated while I improve my fitness. I love process blogs, so here we are.

I am also middle-aged.

I took a hit (technically we all did) around the time of COVID. Months before quarantine, I'd had a grapefruit-sized fibroid removed from my uterus -- in that it didn't wish to be removed and my doctor made the decision to take the whole uterus with it. I had a hysterectomy. Baby-maker, gone. And after that point, I became fixated with this false belief that I was now a used up woman. No periods, no possibility of pregnancy, just me and my remaining ovaries. I had been told the fibroid always made me look five-months pregnant. I was hopeful that once it was gone, I would be able to stop looking like a woman who was five-months pregnant. That hasn't happened.

Since the hysterectomy, and since the lock-down, I have been feeding myself with a couple of lies:

1. I am an old lady

2. I am not worthy of fitness.

I lie to myself often. It's a symptom of co-dependancy. Codependents have false perceptions of who they are and what they can control. I was no longer in control of my uterus and the two medical procedures I endured to gain control of it only made things worse. And I had a false perception of what I would be capable of post-surgery. Like most women who have birthed a third child, I thought I would still have the energy and vitality to burn through the calories necessary to rid myself of that fibroid baby wait. That also did not happen.

I don't hate my body. I am a proud plus-sized woman. I don't let my size dictate what I do, what I wear, or where I go. I celebrate the availability of sizes at retail stores now, particularly places like Nike and Lululemon.

I don't hate fitness. I like running. I like yoga. I don't enjoy going to the gym, but I have. I don't enjoy group classes, but I like to dance. I dig the endorphin rush at the end. More than once I have called a friend after a great fitness session and they can't understand me because I am all hyped up on endorphins. I have run two half-marathons. Training for those were the most focused I have been in my life -- I was writing, blogging, running, eating right, and teaching. I was busy and fulfilled.

Right now, my body doesn't want to train for a half-marathon. My now goal is to get back up to a 5K endurance, because after my hysterectomy, after COVID protocols, after graduating from my grad program, after moving into a new place, and after a nasty relapse of Crohn's last fall, exercising regularly has not been top of mind.

What have I learned during all of this soul-searching and false starts?

People who are fit do it because they love it.

They make time for the things they love. I make time for my obligations first and then do the things I love once those obligations are handled. I have to learn how to pay myself first.

It's okay to start over.

But if I am sick of starting over, stop stopping. Maintaining fitness is like keeping a plant alive. I got to make sure I am keeping myself watered regularly.

I don't have to be a badass to be fit.

I am constantly sucked into plans and ideas for the bragging rights. I get sucked into streaks, overzealous training plans, commitments to eliminate certain foods, only to break them with minor injuries, over-scheduling my life, or blowing it all at McDonald's.

I don't like group things.

I always think groups will motivate me, but they don't. I am always comparing myself to others and beating myself up after when I can't complete (even when I do well. I once left a yoga class where a woman turned to me and confessed "You wore me out. I was trying to keep up with you!" I left feeling embarrassed because I was trying to keep up with the instructor and felt like I was failing).

Accept the encouragement for what it is.

I am usually pretty good at saying Thank You when someone gives me a compliment. However, when it comes to fitness, the second that I am "seen" I retreat. I'm like a deer in the woods who flees when they see humans. Runners are solo but they create communities when they run into other runners. When the cyclist who passes me 15 times a day during his training says, "Good job!" I want to immediately find a new running spot because suddenly I feel like a teenager caught in their front yard in their underwear. Here I am sweaty, gross, mouth-breathing, and the most mortifying part -- doing all this while plus-sized. How dare I? But he said "Good job". As when a woman stopped me one day to say, "I see you out here all the time. I thought, if she can get out here and run, so can I!" She was telling me I was inspiring her. What I heard was "If that fat bitch isn't scared to run in the park in this heat, then I have no excuse." A big difference between what that woman said and what I heard. I have to hear what they say, not the projected subtext of what they mean.

I don't really post photos because I don't want the external to be my motivation. The reward is the internal -- feeling stronger, feeling faster, feeling more at ease. I have no plans to post comparison photos or weigh in numbers.

Progress not perfection

Weigh in on Saturday, but status reports on Thursday. I don't want to weigh in and then vent my emotions on the blog after the number pops up. I need time to process change -- good or bad. Besides, it's not about the scale; it's about the habits I am forming.

I noticed this last time I signed up for WW -- Day one of tracking was not exciting. It was resentful. I could already project myself gaining all the weight back. I saw it as a chore and a way to beat myself up for bad decisions. So this time, when I started to feel the negative feelings creep up on me, I had to remind myself that the only change in my life at that point was that I was writing down everything I was eating. That was it. I had already increased my water intake. I had already starting eating more vegetables because I signed up for two local garden programs. I had already starting a regular fitness routine, because I wanted to build my running stamina back up.

So what was my problem? I told myself to get over myself.

At the end of the day, after tracking everything I ate all day, I had two points remaining. Same with day two. I didn't confront any challenges until RK's birthday. We walked by the river -- 3 miles -- then came home to make pancakes. After dinner, I had a slice of homemade chocolate cake. I tracked it all. I dipped into my fitness and weeklies. I had a lovely night. No reason to beat myself up over it.

The main change I am seeing is I am already drinking less wine. I sat on the couch watching TV with hubs this week with a glass of red wine. I tracked it. I poured glass two. I tracked it. He asked if I wanted to keep watching TV and I declined. I said, "If I watch another, I'm going to pour another glass and next I'll be digging in the fridge for cheese." I went to bed.

It didn't feel like a denial. It was what it was. I recognized my pattern and I chose different.

I am less resentful, but I kind of missing the joy. I am purposefully holding myself back from setting crazy goals and challenges because it doesn't create long-lasting habits. Despite what IG might imply, creating a lasting lifestyle change is not a pep rally.

This week's goals:

• June 1 Fitness streak! I have been inspired by the other runners posting their running streak stats and I want to do that, too. I made a fitness calendar for June incorporating body weight exercises on lighter days -- something I never did when I race trained in the past. I am not training for any races, but I am not going to get faster unless I build up my muscles.

Moments of joy:

• I added fresh cherries to my post-fitness smoothie this week and it was delicious.

• I tried Celluce for this first time. Interesting. I sautéed it with onions and skillet potatoes and green beans. Topped it with an egg.